The At Bat (Catharsis)

 As most of the people who know my family are aware, my daughter was diagnosed with late stage Cancer at the young age of 14.  She had been tired for a long time and just not acting the same.  She went to see the doctor multiple times and after months of no answers, we finally heard the dreaded words that no parent wants to hear. ¨Your daughter has cancer¨

Some back story on my daughter.  She was always a very competitive and powerful pitcher and hitter in baseball and in softball wherever she played on the field you would never want to test her arm.  Shortly after she was cut from the modified team, which was an absolute shock, as she was in the top 5 of all female student athletes in her school and in softball hands down.  She worked her ass off just for a couple mediocre coaches to pic kids with connections over her.  Her friends said she did awesome at the tryouts and they were just as surprised.  I mention this because this was right before we found out she had cancer, so even with the struggles she was having with her body she still gave it everything she had.  

I remember being extremely frustrated and a reaction I have never had came out and I punched a wall that immediately gave me a broken hand.  I could not feel the pain through the anger of my daughter being screwed over by the coach that she had learned to trust and admire.  

Fast forward a couple years after an incredible fight against cancer.  My daughter was invited to be a honorary member of the Alfred University Softball team.  This was one of the best D3 teams in the nation at the time with some incredible players and an amazing coaching staff.  They allowed her to take some swings against some heat throwing pitchers and even after what cancer had done to her she still had that drive to be the best.  She was able to hit off of these pitchers (not bombs, but good contact).

Another fast forward.  My daughter was now back at school, but still struggling with an abundance of issues caused by the very poison that saved her life.  She worked extremely hard to make the Varsity softball team at her high school and she had a coach that cared about all of his players.  She had not had an at bat in a couple years and she was ready, trust me.  The team was getting beat pretty bad and it was in the later innings, the pitcher for the other team was on fire.  Finally I see my daughter grab a helmet and her bat.  My heart started pounding and my emotions grabbed me up and consumed me in this moment.  Everything was in slow motion.  She gets up to the batters box and the pitch comes in, she hits it hard and it flies deep to left field about ten feet away from the wall it as caught in the air and she was out.

After the out I was crying along with my wife, not because she got out, but because she was able to do something that she never thought she would be able to do again just a couple years prior.  Coming from near death and a plethora of issues she endured, she was able to swing that bat and hammer the ball into the outfield.  As she was going back to her dugout I met her at the entrance where we embraced and I cried like a baby.  While in this embrace I looked up and seen her coach near third base wiping tears from his eyes.  If I could explain the feeling at that point in time, I would, but I honestly can´t.  NEGU was and is a part of our lives.  Never Ever Give Up!  That at bat was the most important of her life and will always be remembered as the day she stepped back up to the plate after beating late stage cancer.  Just like she smacked that ball she smacked cancer and is now 23 and living her life in college.  I love her and the drive she has to succeed no matter what.

Catharsis (Senior Night)

The feelings that I had running through me were both real and artificial due to the many painkilling chemicals I had running through my body.  I remembered the week before at my son´s football game thinking that is was senior night, which is usually a great moment for parents and the student athletes alike, but for me it was much different.  I could barely walk with my cane and I was at the highest weight I had ever been do to many different factors.  At this particular time I was suffering with a severe chronic infection in my legs.  My legs were destroyed and all of the nerve endings were exposed.  Just feeling a breeze across my legs would bring me to tears.  Turned out that senior night was the following week and once I heard that I felt relieved, because I´m not sure if I would have been able to walk the field with my son.  I just was not physically able and more than that, I was not mentally prepared.  I was worried about the pain, but even more so what everyone would think when they seen this big fat guy with wrapped legs and a cane struggling to walk 40-50 yards with his son.

Please understand that I was going through a very tough time physically and emotionally and had my own demons to battle each second I was awake.  So the next week comes and its senior night, but this time it was 100% senior night.  I remember thinking to myself at home how proud I was of my son, but at the same time I had this very dark feeling of being seen as weak and pathetic.  This was trumping my feelings for my sons senior night, which now I feel horrible for thinking that way, but at the same time my fears were warranted from my past experiences and how I was feeling physically.  I went from being the coach to the spectator and from sitting at the top of the stands to the very bottom because I just could not do the stairs anymore.

When it came time for all the parents to line up with their student athletes I was anxious, sweaty, in pain, on painkillers, and again worried about what people would think of me.  This was a very hard thing to go through and to most it may not seem like a big deal, but you had to be me at that particular time and situation to understand.  For years, as I have mentioned in a previous Catharsis post, I would hear people giggle, talk about my size, and I would be embarrassed at restaurants that only had booths available because I was too big to sit in them.

Back to the field, standing there in pain with my son I was feeling like I was a freak show, but I knew I had to walk with him.  It seemed like we were standing there forever in the staging area and I felt numerous times that I wasn't going to be able to stand much longer.  Then the names started being called in alphabetical order.  One after another parents were walking across the field with their student athlete, the closer it came to my sons name being called the more anxious I got and the more pain I felt.  My sons name was called and we started walking.  At that moment I could not feel pain, I was just looking at the smile on my sons face as he walked with his parents on senior night.  I hugged him and he went to the locker room to get ready for the game.  Walking back up to the stands I wanted to cry in pain and because I was so proud of my son.  It did not help at this time that my testosterone levels were shot and my emotions were all over.  Regardless, I did it!  If I wouldn't have I would have regretted it for a very long time. 

This is just a moment in time that I found out that I was much stronger than I felt.  What gave me strength was the love for my son and knowing that walking next to him was his mom and dad.  He seen it no other way, which I wish I could have beforehand.  Never let fear and pain overtake the love for your children.  Its not really a lesson, it was just a crappy time that I needed to share.  Many more to come, and don´t worry, they are going to get better, some worse, but ultimately better.  Thank you again for reading my blog, it truly means a lot.  Do not worry about the punctuation, or do, whatever.  Thank you :)

Because

“Once a love loses the ability to be jealous in any capacity, they lose the ability to love in depth and whole.  Lust, jealousy, infatuation, daydreaming the perfection of that love are all ingredients for the truest of love.  For this love to be solid and un-breaking, both must sacrifice regular emotions and succumb to the feelings that their love is special beyond all boundaries and must be treated as such.  Without maintenance from the heart the building will soon fall into disrepair.”

Something about me (Catharsis)

 I haven't told a ton of people about the struggles I went through over the past few years.  There are a lot of things I have kept to myself out of fear of judgement.  I have been a big man for the majority of my life and have always been gawked at or discluded from things because of my size.  From having children point and laugh to people calling me fat or whispering hurtful things under their breath without having any clue about me, the human they are picking on or calling names.

This may come as a surprise to some that I have been in this situation, because for the people that know me well, they know I am kind and would do anything I can to help someone in need, even if I have nothing.  I consider myself a very simple person with a very small circle of trust.  Sometimes even your circle can close in on you and make you feel uncomfortable, but those should be the people that you can talk to and work anything out with.

I am not looking for any type of sympathy in any way shape or form, but what I am doing is sharing my experiences and how I was made to feel during certain situations.  A lot of these situations have been based around my size alone and others around the health issues I have fought over the past few years.  When I say hurtful i´m talking about a direct hit to the heart and soul of who I am.  Some of these things I will talk about will sound very minuscule to some, but for those that have been in my shoes and those who have been in the shoes of the aggressor, they will know exactly what i´m talking about.

This is just an introduction to what I hope will turn out to be a very positive and enlightening experience for all who read this.  It is my hope that by sharing a lot of the situations that I have been in and or seen others go through will open the eyes and hearts of everyone who shares in the emotions of hurt and the feeling of enlightenment.

Thank you for reading this intro to what I intend to be not only a good read, but something beautiful as well.

Have a great day!  Love yourself and then focus on the ones that make you feel loved.