The feelings that I had running through me were both real and artificial due to the many painkilling chemicals I had running through my body. I remembered the week before at my son´s football game thinking that is was senior night, which is usually a great moment for parents and the student athletes alike, but for me it was much different. I could barely walk with my cane and I was at the highest weight I had ever been do to many different factors. At this particular time I was suffering with a severe chronic infection in my legs. My legs were destroyed and all of the nerve endings were exposed. Just feeling a breeze across my legs would bring me to tears. Turned out that senior night was the following week and once I heard that I felt relieved, because I´m not sure if I would have been able to walk the field with my son. I just was not physically able and more than that, I was not mentally prepared. I was worried about the pain, but even more so what everyone would think when they seen this big fat guy with wrapped legs and a cane struggling to walk 40-50 yards with his son.
Please understand that I was going through a very tough time physically and emotionally and had my own demons to battle each second I was awake. So the next week comes and its senior night, but this time it was 100% senior night. I remember thinking to myself at home how proud I was of my son, but at the same time I had this very dark feeling of being seen as weak and pathetic. This was trumping my feelings for my sons senior night, which now I feel horrible for thinking that way, but at the same time my fears were warranted from my past experiences and how I was feeling physically. I went from being the coach to the spectator and from sitting at the top of the stands to the very bottom because I just could not do the stairs anymore.
When it came time for all the parents to line up with their student athletes I was anxious, sweaty, in pain, on painkillers, and again worried about what people would think of me. This was a very hard thing to go through and to most it may not seem like a big deal, but you had to be me at that particular time and situation to understand. For years, as I have mentioned in a previous Catharsis post, I would hear people giggle, talk about my size, and I would be embarrassed at restaurants that only had booths available because I was too big to sit in them.
Back to the field, standing there in pain with my son I was feeling like I was a freak show, but I knew I had to walk with him. It seemed like we were standing there forever in the staging area and I felt numerous times that I wasn't going to be able to stand much longer. Then the names started being called in alphabetical order. One after another parents were walking across the field with their student athlete, the closer it came to my sons name being called the more anxious I got and the more pain I felt. My sons name was called and we started walking. At that moment I could not feel pain, I was just looking at the smile on my sons face as he walked with his parents on senior night. I hugged him and he went to the locker room to get ready for the game. Walking back up to the stands I wanted to cry in pain and because I was so proud of my son. It did not help at this time that my testosterone levels were shot and my emotions were all over. Regardless, I did it! If I wouldn't have I would have regretted it for a very long time.
This is just a moment in time that I found out that I was much stronger than I felt. What gave me strength was the love for my son and knowing that walking next to him was his mom and dad. He seen it no other way, which I wish I could have beforehand. Never let fear and pain overtake the love for your children. Its not really a lesson, it was just a crappy time that I needed to share. Many more to come, and don´t worry, they are going to get better, some worse, but ultimately better. Thank you again for reading my blog, it truly means a lot. Do not worry about the punctuation, or do, whatever. Thank you :)
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ReplyDeleteGreat writing 🙂
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